The Doctor of Love

Chairman Mao Tse-tung

Hidy Ho! It is I, Mao. I am here to educate you on the wonders of that magical thing we call love. Many people ask me, “Mao, how can you tell that it’s true love?” I am here to elucidate for you the vagaries of this broad and complex issue that haunts men and women such as yourselves day-in and day-out.

Firstly, is booze involved? After a few Jägermeisters, I’d say, NO! Don’t be foolish you silly, foolish sillies. Boozahol gives you the uncanny ability to fall in love with any two-legged furry creature that happens to saunter in front of you. Run Away! If, on the other hand, you’ve been quietly sharing a non-boozaholic tasty beverage with someone, proceed at will.

A second facter to consider is whether or not you are broke. As in, no dinero, no moolah, no quid, no bucks. If you got no money, you got no love. Period. True love costs lots of pesos, and if you ain’t got none, well, you be out of luck my friend. Get yourself a real job, ya capitalist bum. Real love can be smelled. That’s correct. Smelled. Smelly. Odorous. Smellerific.People release pheromones. Those are little smelly love pockets that let the other person know that you are ready and willing to do their bidding, no matter how freaky. For example, when my girlfriend asked me to suspend myself from hooks pierced into my flesh, I readily accepted. She could sense, or smell, that my pheromones was a ragin’, and that I was willing to go that extra mile for her. That, my friends, is true stinkin’ love.

I know that many of you seem to suck at smelling the tell-tale signs of true love, but have no fear. You just need a little practice. I recommend going to your local zoo and observing the enslaved beasts that they have tortuously contained in cement holding cells for your viewing pleasure. Notice how the varmints get their noses right down to the smelly areas? That is what I prescribe for you to do. Get right down there and take a big ole’ whiff. That way, you will be able to catch the smells at their source and learn to recognize the different degrees of love that waft from your partner.

Who knows, maybe true love is in the air. All you have to do is recognize the smell.

This is the Doctor, signing out.