Advice From...

THE DOCTOR OF LOVE

Winston Churchill

Simplicity is best. That's right. Simplicity. Best. Remember that.

Ok, so what am I talking about? Well, I'm talking about your first kiss. You know, the moment when you really step up to the plate and decide to lay a big smoochie on your date. You have to keep it simple, or else you'll end up looking like a dufus. A big, fat dufus.

First of all, you need to have a date. You all have dates right? (I know, I know, you computer science fellows have "girlfriends in Florida," but for this lesson you need to actually have a real date.) So let's say you have your date. Remembering that I said that simplicity is best, you need to find a place to bring your date. You know, take a romantic ferry ride, go for a walk around Greenlake, go shopping for your hippie rock crystal deodorant at Trader Joe's, you know, whatever. Simplicity is the key.

So you're involved in your date, and things are moving along great. You've only spilt your water once whilst slurping out of your hippie Nalgene bottle, you only commented on the size of your date's thighs once, and you can tell by the look in your date's lazy eye that the time is right. So now what?

Here's where Don Juan makes his entrance. But remember, we're keeping it simple, so we're gonna drop the Don. So Juan needs to communicate to his date that he is ready to commence with the smooching. A simple puckering of the lips will do. (Try to get your lips out as far as possible to avoid any misconceptions as to what face you are making.) Then lean forward, set your sights to your date's mouth area, and go for it.

There you have it. If all goes well, you should have landed a successful kiss onto your date's luscious lips and marital bliss with 18 babies should be right around the corner. (By the way, if you miss your date's lips and accidentally kiss the nose or something, just say that there was some mustard on it. Works like a charm.)

As far as I can tell, simplicity is best. I mean look at me. I don't look like a guy who has any trouble picking up chicks, right? You follow the Doctor of Love's advice and you'll never go wrong.

This is the Doctor of Love, signing out.