Advice from the Doctor of Love
Lt. George S Patton
You see, all you students here at this so-called college have got it all wrong.
You think, “Hey, maybe school would be a great
place to meet somebody!” Well, you’re wrong. Dead wrong.
These other boys and girls around here wouldn’t be interested in meeting someone
like you. And why would they? You don’t know
the first thing about your enemy, the opposite sex.
That’s why old Patton is here. To help you along with a little bit of sage advice.
For you men, here’s your first piece of advice: A bologna sandwich and a cup of
water don’t make for a dinner date. That’s right.
No one wants a cheap date. Now I’m not saying that you should be digesting
fillet mignon like a North African lion devours a
gazelle. No sir. But if you don’t show a little class, your date is going to
retreat like the French army.
Now you ladies, bear in mind that men are like giant warthogs. They grunt a lot,
they excrete noxious fumes, and they have too
much back hair. The upside to all of this splendor is that they are easily
manipulated. You can take advantage of this.
You need to be gentle with them. Lead them along like nothing is wrong. Let
them feel that what they say has meaning to you.
Then, when the time is right, BAM! The ambush closes in on them, and you’ve
got yourself a domesticated warthog, ready and
willing to do your bidding. It’s as easy as that.
To recap: You men, women will not be wooed by your efforts to pinch a penny
on their behalf. Don’t be cheap. You women, you
must remember that you have an uncanny power over the minds of men. Use your
powers for good, and not evil. To all: If you follow
the advice of the Doctor of Love, the opposite sex will chase you around like
the U.S. Army after Pancho Villa.
Lt. George S. Patton, signing out.
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