The new Thief of Baghdad

“I’m Abu the thief, son of Abu the thief, grandson of Abu the thief, most unfortunate of 10 sons with a hunger that yearns day and night.”

— Abu (“The Thief of Baghdad,” 1940)

Sometimes it’s necessary to fight tragedy with fantasy. So, as we watched George W. Bush’s theatrical trip to Baghdad, which followed closely on the heels of his historic looting of Medicare, we were reminded of that Hollywood classic, “The Thief of Baghdad,” complete with its evil rulers, magic carpets and, most importantly, thieves.

George “The Thief of Baghdad” Bush had just returned from a super secret-but-triumphant magic carpet ride to the Baghdad Airport, where he posed momentarily with a “decorative” turkey and pretended to be serving the troops Thanksgiving dinner. The leader of the free world left Washington, appropriately, like a thief in the night. Despite the possibility that his cover may have been blown by the forces of evil (a British Airline pilot, whom no one is able to find), he chose not to turn back but to push bravely on and honor his commitment to pose for photos with an ersatz bird.

Far from being a frivolous trip, Bush’s visit to Baghdad was almost a necessity. Things were getting a little warm for him and his people in Washington. Bush’s gang of thieves, the “Asses of Evil,” was fresh from legislative victories which effectively picked the pockets of the American people. A few people were beginning to put two and two together and to realize a few disturbing facts: the Energy Bill was a rip-off by coal and methanol interests, the Medicare Bill was a welfare program for the drug companies, etc., etc. What’s more, Sen. Hillary Clinton was in Afghanistan — about a thousand miles closer to Osama bin Laden and the real war on terror than Bush would ever have the stomach for.

There had been some dissention in the gang too. A number of the more devout gang members had been disturbed by Bush’s statements that Muslims and Christians worshipped the same God. “Freedom is not America’s gift to the world. It’s much greater than that, of course. And I believe we worship the same God,” he said. Whoops! That was a mistake which was quickly corrected by the newly polytheistic Ethics and Religious Commission of the Southern Baptists who responded that Bush was “commander-in-chief, not theologian-in-chief. And when he says that he believes that Muslims and Christians worship the same God, he is simply mistaken.”

Yep, things were getting a bit sticky; maybe it was time to get out of Dodge, time for the pickpockets’ favorite tactic: time for a diversion. And so, the country turned their attention from the legal looting going on in Washington to watch as George flew to Baghdad to play with his fake bird.

While all eyes were diverted to Baghdad, back in Washington the Asses of Evil were still hard at work. As legislators were just leaving town for the holiday, a 2,500-page, $328 billion omnibus spending bill, with goodies for all the gang members, was introduced with the expectation that no one would have time to actually read it. After all, Christmas was coming soon and there were still spoils to divvy up. The broadcast monopolies hadn’t gotten their cut yet, and so it was necessary to threaten Congress with a presidential veto if limits on media ownership weren’t raised. Even embattled Asses of Evil mouthpiece Rush Limbaugh, fresh from his third visit to drug rehab, had time to weigh in on the subject, noting with his usual trenchant logic that limiting media ownership was “not the government’s job.”

And then there is the coming new year — with all its possibilities for plunder. The greatest prize of all, Social Security, as yet remains untouched.

Bush and his gang are unlikely to forgo a run at this last symbol of the New Deal. Rather than reforming or properly funding Social Security, all indications are that, following the Medicare example, Bush will merely let his gang of thieves, the insurance companies and stock-fund managers move in and privatize it to death.

In case any readers have forgotten, Social Security was born as a response to that decisive collapse of laissez-faire capitalism in the 1930s known as the Great Depression. It seems almost unbelievable that now, after a multi-year succession of massive business scandals and failures, anyone would credit the notion that even a portion of Social Security should go into privately managed funds. But that is what the Bush gang will propose — more fantasy to disguise more theft, fantasy which makes 1001 Arabian Nights and the Thief of Baghdad seem unimaginative by comparison.

Of course, the analogy between Bush and the Thief of Baghdad is not perfect. In the movie, the evil ruler of Baghdad transforms the hero into a dog, a likeable and very charming dog, but a dog nonetheless. Bush, on the other hand, has not been magically transformed; he remains as before: a rather unlikable and decidedly un-charming thief.