Vox Clamatis...
Roadside PanhandlingEbbtide Guide
Become a roadside panhandler
“The pay’s not so great, but I do make good tips.”
Ever seen a sign-holding vagrant on the freeway on-ramp and thought, “Why can’t that be me?” Well it could be, and in fact, many roadside panhandlers are normal people. You don’t need to be homeless or on drugs; all you really need is a cardboard sign and a willingness to look pathetic. It’s easy, and it pays well.
Consider this: if the average donation is five bucks, and one comes in every 10 minutes, that’s $30 an hour with no taxes. But this isn’t an expose – everyone knows those people are just putting on an act so they can buy plasma TVs or performance parts for their lowered Honda Civic. And neither is this a moral exposition – readers will have to decide for themselves whether it’s OK to take advantage of people’s charity. What this is is a how-to guide.
Pick an angle
The absolute first thing you should do, before you’ve selected an intersection and before you’ve Sharpie’d a Jesus fish on your cardboard sign, is to pick an angle. Why should motorists care about you?
If you happen to be a woman of child-bearing age, consider the “think of the children” angle. This is where you claim to have 3, 6, or even a dozen small children who are going hungry and living in squalor. The more children and the hungrier they are and the more squalor they live in, the better. When getting into character, it may help to invent some children and spend a moment thinking about their welfare, i.e. “If I get two more dollars, I can buy little Kailyn a warmer coat this winter.” And that way, if anyone asks you about your kids, at least you have your story straight.
For men, the “will work for food” approach is quite popular, and can be especially effective because it shows your desire to be a productive member of society. People really respond to that, and they feel good about giving you money just to help out until you find work. The only drawback is that sometimes people will give you food instead of money, which you should accept gratefully, but then you have to wait for a lull in traffic to discreetly pitch it into the bushes.
What’s worse is when someone offers you a job instead of free money, they might say something like, “Hey, we need help moving this stuff. We’ll give you $50 for half a day’s work. Hop on in.” What do you do then? You certainly don’t say, “Naw, I’m making better money doing this.” In this case, just feed them some lame excuse about a back injury, or mumble incoherently so they think you’re crazy.
The sign
Now that you’ve got your persona, it’s time to make your sign. Find a beat-up-looking piece of cardboard about 12 inches by 18 inches, and scrawl your message on there with a bold felt marker. The message itself isn’t that important, as long as it’s clear that you’re accepting donations (not selling cookies or running for political office). Also, it’s a good idea to at least hint at a Christian upbringing by, for example, including “God bless” or the ubiquitous Jesus fish.
Setting up
Probably the hardest part of roadside panhandling is finding the right location. You don’t want to invade anyone’s territory, but you do want to find an intersection with a high volume of idling traffic. You may have to do several days of surveying, where you drive around and examine various potential sites, noting the traffic congestion level and the presence of other panhandlers.
Once you have your site, you just gotta get out there and do it. It may feel awkward at first, but soon it becomes easy. It’s just like the homeless who eat food out of garbage cans — they must have felt totally embarrassed the first time they had to do it, but after awhile it’s no big deal.
Stand up straight, hold your sign at chest level, and wear a solemn expression. Don’t look directly at the motorists, but instead stare blankly into space or stare at your shoes, using your peripheral vision to watch for donors. And feel free to try different approaches, you know, mix it up a little to see what works best. If a “visions of a cheeseburger” poster isn’t working so well, maybe get an empty gas can and pretend to be a stranded motorist, or even try a bit of lighthearted humor, such as “it’s for beer” or “saving for a hooker.” You never know what a particular evening commute will respond the most to.
Additional resources
This line of work doesn’t exactly have its own trade journals — it’s not like you can go to the newsstand and buy “Con Arts Weekly” or “Roadside Panhandling Illustrated.” Your best source of information is the people who’ve been in the business for years. They don’t like to be approached while they’re working, but if you catch them at the end of the day when they’re walking back to their Cadillac Escalade, they might give you some tricks of the trade.