A & E
Your Bulloscope reveals the real you - and it's not pretty
As punishment for using the word 'toad-fuckers' in the last issue, our beloved Editor and Chief, King Ass-face, oh, I mean, Ty Garfield has banished me to writing horoscopes.
This is the final straw. From this point forward I will acquiesce into obscurity only to re-emerge when humankind has gone the way of the passenger pigeon and the cockroaches have taken over.
You may all now enjoy your Bulloscopes, you Bastards!
Aries (March 21 - April 20.) You are wasting your life in community college; your true career awaits you in either the food preparation or housekeeping industries.
Taurus (April 21 - May 20.) Your strong sensuality has opened your aura to several nasty infections; you should really get that cold sore checked-out too.
Gemini (May 21 - June 21.) Your near schizophrenic personality is pissing everyone around you off. Also, if you only have a teaspoon left in the jar - use it.
Cancer (June 22 - July 22.) I have absolutely nothing to say to you.
Leo (July 23 - August 23.) What are you saving all of that porn on your hard drive for?
Virgo (August 24 - September 23.) You're just an asshole.
Libra (September 24 - October 23.) This is your month Libra; hope you enjoy it. The rest of your year is going to suck.
Scorpio (October 21 - November 22.) Repeat after me. Twinkies are not my friend. Twinkies are not my friend. Now go jog around the block you obese piece of crap!
Sagittarius (November 23 - December 21.) Saggi, I hate to tell you but that cute Taurus you're so committed to is cheating on you with, well just about everyone.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20.) Stop mucking about with that smarmy Taurus. Also, corner him and get the scoop on the nasty-looking cold sore.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 19.) That day in the future you've always looked forward to, when it all becomes clear and finally makes sense, will come too late for it to do you any good. Bummer
Pisces (February 20 - March 20.) Let it go, Pisces. It happened years ago and no one cares anymore.
Bullwinkle Morris can be reached for psychic advise and stock tips at firstname.lastname@example.org
© 2002 Shoreline Community College