WEBBTIDE 2001-2002 @ SHORELINE COMMUNITY COLLEGE

Volume 37 No.12 Apr. 01 - Apr. 11, 2002 [ ARCHIVE ] [ FEEDBACK ] [ HELP ]
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Little gnomes enslaved for library construction

.
      In a stunning whistleblower allegation, a construction worker has claimed that the majority of the labor done on the new campus library is through the toil of little gnomes. The worker, who spoke on the condition of anonymity, said that his conscience could not be restrained any longer and that he felt morally obligated to let the public know of what he calls a "silly, sly, sinister, stupid, sick, slippery, sleazy scheme."
      "I just couldn't take it anymore," the anonymous worker said. "Night after night I saw those little gnomes just slaving away with nothing more than a hammer and saw -and they were having to use really cheap hammers and saws too, not the ones that really get the job done. Anyway, it's just such a devilish, devastating, detestable, demonic, deranged, disgusting development."
      The whistleblower said that while the construction on the library stopped during the evening, he would often notice groups of college administrators herding "green, gruesome, ghostly, gallant, genetically-altered gnomes" into the building for a 12-hour nightshift of slave labor.
      "The poor things seemed so malnourished," the worker said. "I would often think to myself, 'If I was a malnourished morbid meager measly mistreated monster would I like being enslaved?' I've debated the question many times in my head and I've gone back and forth on it, but I just think it's not right. I don't know why, but it just doesn't seem fair."
      The administration denies all accusations, however, citing its brief history of acceptance towards the gnome culture.
      "I think that what some people might misinterpret as slavery is actually gnomes having a good night out," said Administrator Dim Protez. "Gnomes will be gnomes, you know. There's not much we can really do about their openly, obscure, obligatory, oaf-like obsession with oppression."
      Though Protez's response appeared to many as a confession towards the slavery accusations, the administrator argues that the so-called slavery accusations are truly just a ploy to hinder the college from practicing cultural diversity and common sense.
      "Look," Protez said, "when little green gnomes come up to you and threaten to expose your scandalous arrangement with Governor Gary Locke in which I am being paid thousands of dollars to funnel off money from student government to his private Swiss bank account, I have no other choice but to enslave those who threaten my livelihood. Anyone else would do the same."
      Despite the somewhat startling remarks Protez has made in recent days, the administration refuses to change its policy towards the gnomes.
      "I think the gnomes like it. If I were a gnome, I'd like it," administrator Scoff Slanders said, responding to the allegations.
      The lone construction worker, who at this point is the only person crying foul over the administration's actions, threatens to rally fellow workers and form a union. However, he has had little success thus far since many of the construction workers seem content with the college's policy towards the gnomes.
      "Hey, less work for me," said Moody Gnu, a former administrator until she was recently transferred to construction duty.
      In an interview with Sammy Green, the only enrolled gnome-student at the College, Green had little to say about the issue.
      "Look, if they're giving my people a hard time, I'll be sure to let everyone know about it. But just lay off the issue for a while," he said, winking to Protez across the table.
      Despite the controversy over the gnome-enslavement issue, the library appears to be just as far off schedule as it was two years ago.
      "The gnomes work too slow," Protez said. "For all the genetic engineering we've done on the little guys, you'd think they'd work a little faster."

.

by Jimmy Olsen

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wEbbtide Webmaster: Henry Lai

Little gnomes enslaved for library construction
.	In a stunning whistleblower allegation, a construction worker has claimed that the majority of the labor done on the new campus library is through the toil of little gnomes. The worker, who spoke on the condition of anonymity, said that his conscience could not be restrained any longer and that he felt morally obligated to let the public know of what he calls a "silly, sly, sinister, stupid, sick, slippery, sleazy scheme." "I just couldn't take it anymore," the anonymous worker said. "Night after night I saw those little gnomes just slaving away with nothing more than a hammer and saw -and they were having to use really cheap hammers and saws too, not the ones that really get the job done. Anyway, it's just such a devilish, devastating, detestable, demonic, deranged, disgusting development." The whistleblower said that while the construction on the library stopped during the evening, he would often notice groups of college administrators herding "green, gruesome, ghostly, gallant, genetically-altered gnomes" into the building for a 12-hour nightshift of slave labor. "The poor things seemed so malnourished," the worker said. "I would often think to myself, 'If I was a malnourished morbid meager measly mistreated monster would I like being enslaved?' I've debated the question many times in my head and I've gone back and forth on it, but I just think it's not right. I don't know why, but it just doesn't seem fair." The administration denies all accusations, however, citing its brief history of acceptance towards the gnome culture. "I think that what some people might misinterpret as slavery is actually gnomes having a good night out," said Administrator Dim Protez. "Gnomes will be gnomes, you know. There's not much we can really do about their openly, obscure, obligatory, oaf-like obsession with oppression." Though Protez's response appeared to many as a confession towards the slavery accusations, the administrator argues that the so-called slavery accusations are truly just a ploy to hinder the college from practicing cultural diversity and common sense. "Look," Protez said, "when little green gnomes come up to you and threaten to expose your scandalous arrangement with Governor Gary Locke in which I am being paid thousands of dollars to funnel off money from student government to his private Swiss bank account, I have no other choice but to enslave those who threaten my livelihood. Anyone else would do the same." Despite the somewhat startling remarks Protez has made in recent days, the administration refuses to change its policy towards the gnomes. "I think the gnomes like it. If I were a gnome, I'd like it," administrator Scoff Slanders said, responding to the allegations. The lone construction worker, who at this point is the only person crying foul over the administration's actions, threatens to rally fellow workers and form a union. However, he has had little success thus far since many of the construction workers seem content with the college's policy towards the gnomes. "Hey, less work for me," said Moody Gnu, a former administrator until she was recently transferred to construction duty. In an interview with Sammy Green, the only enrolled gnome-student at the College, Green had little to say about the issue. "Look, if they're giving my people a hard time, I'll be sure to let everyone know about it. But just lay off the issue for a while," he said, winking to Protez across the table. Despite the controversy over the gnome-enslavement issue, the library appears to be just as far off schedule as it was two years ago. "The gnomes work too slow," Protez said. "For all the genetic engineering we've done on the little guys, you'd think they'd work a little faster."	.
by Jimmy Olsen