...I really like Gary Oldman
“Battleship,” starring Liam Neeson, Taylor Kitsch, Brooklyn Decker and Rihanna, recently opened in theaters.
The plot focuses on a Naval crew that encounters an extraterrestrial attack on the high seas, apparently based on the classic Hasbro game.
That is, if you add a bunch of pretty people and insane special effects, and then completely disregard the game of Battleship.
For those who haven’t played it, the actual board game consists of guessing where on a pegboard your opponent has placed a series of military ships.
It is a sort of process of elimination, and I’ve heard there was a time when “To be or not to be” could be answered with “2B; You sunk my Battleship!” and people would actually laugh.
I do not recall, however, any alien invasions, sexy Navy officers, or impressive explosions as the new movie would suggest.
I don’t know about you, but I’ve never actually seen any child play Battleship in earnest.
At grandma’s house, maybe, when the television’s broken and it’s pouring outside and all the other games were consumed in a small, non-life-threatening fire. But never in earnest.
As a child, I recall playing Battleship only once or twice, then losing the pieces and converting the board into a house for my Barbies. “Transformers,” also from Hasbro, was justified in its “this explosion’s explosion should be exploding any minute” style because of the action-adventure cartoons, but I don’t remember anything like this going on with Battleship.
That leads me to my next point: if producers choose to fabricate big, unrelated plots around board games and children’s toys, what sort of films can we expect to see in the future?
I’ve taken the liberty of coming up with a few ideas.
1) “How Do You Like Them Apples 2 Apples”- Nicolas Cage stars as a brilliant detective who meets his match in a criminal mastermind who speaks only in nouns. With the help of his partner, a rogue thesaurus, the detective must find the adjective that will connect all of the clues- before it’s too late.
2) “Hungry Hungry Hippos”- A basement-dwelling slacker (Seth Rogen) has a new roommate- a giant hippopotamus with the munchies (voice of Zach Galifianakis).
3) “National Lampoon’s Cabbage Patch Reunion”- The Cabbage Patch Kids are back, nearly 30 years later, and they’re ready to party. Available wherever DVDs are sold.
4) “Quentin Tarantino’s Babysitter’s Club”- Kristy, Claudia, Mary Anne and Stacy head up a high-stakes drug ring, under the guise of a wholesome child care service. Featuring Gary Oldman as Mary Anne’s overprotective dad.
Melynda Malley, Copy Editor