The Ebbtide Guide to
Understanding Your Redneck Relatives
Design Director/Ex-Redneck
We’ve got ‘em, you’ve got ‘em. Here’s a guide to understanding how and why our redneck relatives think, speak, and act in unfathomable ways that are beyond “Cityfolk” comprehension.
1. Why they are amazed at the amount of rain we get, even though we could care less, and would much rather forget about it:
Anywhere else you go in the US, rain equals downpour, not drizzle. Not the miserable, drizzly, never-see-the-sun-for-elevenand- a-half-months kind of sprinkles we get. When we tell them that it's been raining for anything longer than two days, they equate that with Monsoon. Flashflood. Lost the roof off of your barn. THAT is why they are amazed. Just tell them that it drizzles a lot. That should satisfy them.
2. Why they think that instant coffee is actually "Not so bad":
Because they're ignernt. They haven't been bitten by the bug of a really good latté. And no, not Starbucks. We’re talking Lighthouse, Café Vita, Zoka's, or any of the other good local blends. Their ancestors were raised on "Cowboy Coffee," i.e., swill so black that even a Goth freak is scared of it. Unfortunately, there is no cure for liking instant coffee. Only death.
3. Why they like Country Music:
No clue. When you can find the answer, please let us know. We've been dying to figure out this mystery.
4. Why they have so many kids, drink so much beer, or have too many kids while drinking beer:
Boredom. Living in a city, we've become accustomed to our luxuries. When we get bored, we can go to the Opera, go catch a Seahawks game, or watch a show at the Croc. No such luck when you live way out in Timbuktu. Out in the country, beer drinking and fernificating are about the only things going on to distract their minds of how hideously boring their lives are. Just don't get us going on why they think that Pabst or Miller Genuine Draft are better than a freshly squeezed Guinness. Some mysteries are unsolvable.
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